Complaining involves voicing fair and legitimate dissatisfactions with the goal of attaining a resolution or remedy. When we voice legitimate dissatisfactions but do so without the goal of attaining a resolution we are merely venting. And when the dissatisfactions we voice are inconsequential and not worthy of special attention, we are whining. The distinction is significant because complaining, venting, and whining, have very different effects on our psychology and emotions. In addition, how we express dissatisfactions has a significant impact on how we are perceived by those to whom we voice them. A new study expands on this by demonstrating that children as young as three-years-old can distinguish between complaining and whining, and respond accordingly. In the first part of the study, toddlers were exposed to an adult who displayed emotional distress to different situations. Some of the situations involved legitimate harm (such as one adult dropping the lid of a toy box on another's hand) and some involved the adult overreacting to a minor inconvenience. The adult responded to all incidents by pouting, frowning and whimpering. In the second part of the study, the child was given two helium balloons and the adult was given one. The adult then 'accidently' let go of his or her balloon and again displayed signs of distress. The children were much quicker to offer the adult one of their own balloons if they had previously witnessed them being distressed for justifiable reasons. The study shows that children as young as three can distinguish between legitimate complaints and whining and display empathy accordingly. So, it's worth considering whether complaints are worthwhile, and to think about what we hope to attain by voicing them. The writer is a Manhattan-based psychologist. He is the author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure and Other Everyday Hurts (Plume). |
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