The Philosophers Of This Century
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -
every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.When we opened them
we had the Bible and they had the land.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and
neither would take out the garbage.
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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