In front of a delicatessen,
an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer.
The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars
The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars
for the cat. "It's not for sale." said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector,
"Look," said the collector,
"that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric.
I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal." said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer."
"It's a deal." said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer."
said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing." said the proprietor firmly.
"Nothing doing." said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said,
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said,
'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
******************************************
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
*****************************************
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead...
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no telling' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said,
Muldoon said,
'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed,
Father Patrick exclaimed,
'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
*************************************
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
****************************************
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
************************************
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
****************************************
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on
in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an
infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
'Those little bastards!'
****************************************
Marriage Humour
Wife:'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
Marriage Humour
Wife:'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife:'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married,
Husband:'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife:'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married,
I want to share all your worries, troubles & lighten your burden?
Boy:'It's very kind of you, darling, but
Boy:'It's very kind of you, darling, but
I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son:'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife,
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son:'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife,
'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me,
my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me,
my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humour!'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife
------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife
hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with
the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was
the name of the horse I bet on'
the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness
the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied..
'Your horse phoned'
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